Why I Love Spam

 

Stuart Brown

President

StudentAffairs.com

Stuart@StudentAffairs.com

 

 

Posted: November, 2004     Student Affairs Online, vol. 5 no. 4 - Fall 2004

 

Vilified by internet service providers, denigrated by personal computer users at home and at office suites across the globe, spam has received a considerable amount of undeserving media attention of late. State governments and federal policy makers have attempted, in vain, to enact laws to somehow administrate out of existence these mass electronic messages.  Filtering systems, promising the world, have barely made a dent in the onslaught of our daily servings of spam.   Call me crazy, but what’s all the commotion about?  Why all the hubbub?  Spam is not our enemy, but our friend.  It’s not like spam is one of George Carlin’s Seven Dirty Words You Can’t Say on Television, “the ones that will infect your soul, curve your spine and keep the country from winning the war.” No, these voluminous missives should be seen in a positive light as opposed to a nefarious in-box clogging conspiracy theory from an old X-Files episode.  Spam gives us insight into popular culture, the most in-vogue trends, newfangled contraptions, the latest deals that can’t miss, and as my own early defense warning system.  The examples are endless.

 

For instance, I would not have known about the millions of dollars awaiting me in Nigerian banks--the African Development Bank (ADB), Union Bank of Nigeria, Apex Bank, Togolaise Bank, Standard Trust Bank Limited (Lagos), Eco Bank Nigeria Plc, United Bank for Africa, and the International Bank of Africa--if it were not for Mr. Abacha, Mr. Adeyemi, Mr. Mustapha, Mr. Kabila, or Mr. Green, bank chief auditor, chief security officer, remittance department official, director of finance, director of the bank, or contract award department employee.

 

In the recent Presidential election, prescription drugs from Canada was a major campaign issue.  What’s the big fuss?  Reading through my daily dose of spam I know there’s a smorgasbord of medications available to me at up to 70% savings!  You name the drug and I can easily procure it—Viagra, Xanax, Cialis, Ambien, Valium, Levitra, and Phentermine. Great discounts.  The best savings that you’ll ever find anywhere.  And I can even receive my order overnight and without having to show a prescription.

 

I knew recording star Jessica Simpson and, to a lesser extent, her husband Nick Lachery were going to be A-List celebrities thanks to spam blasts about the newlyweds I received months ago.  I didn’t need to peruse the tabloids at the supermarket checkout line or shell out money for a subscription to “People” or some other personality drive publication.  No, I simply relied on my own private source of information--the well-spring of gossipy spam that infiltrates my e-mail in-box every day.

 

Like every good American I love a sale.  My morning serving of spam provides me with some of the most unbelievable bargains I could imagine.  I’m not talking about rock bottom preferred mortgage rates; cheap, high-quality software; can’t miss enlargement pills; or such.  I’m speaking of high end merchandise like genuine gold 18kt Rolex replicas that look EXACTLY like the originals.  Perfectly identical to the real thing, but at a tiny fraction of the cost, I knew these second-to-none knock-offs, heavily promoted via spam communiqués, were a great deal. How?  Simple.  One day the spam floodgates opened to reveal these once-in-a-lifetime bargains.  What better way, I assumed, to relieve overstocked backrooms or cluttered warehouses than through the spam pipeline?  A win-win situation for us and “them.”

 

Sometimes the announcements contained within spam can be frustrating.  A case in point is my higher education degree.  I spent three intense years, with almost no guidance from my lackadaisical adviser, completing my doctorate in Higher and Adult Education.  The sense of accomplishment was enormous.  Yet now, according to “A Notice from the Office of the Registrar,” courteously e-mailed to me at home I am now qualified to obtain a Degree-- Associate, Bachelors, Masters, or Doctorate--from a Prestigious University.  There are NO required tests, classes, books, or interviews.  In fact, only a select few individuals were notified of the opportunity.  Wow, what I could have done with all the time saved by not actually sweating out the required coursework, comprehensive exams and dissertation!  I could have taken up pottery.  Learned to fly.  Become a sous chef.  Sharpened my archery skills…

 

In-coming spam, most importantly, protects me from destructive viruses unleashed by hooligans here and abroad.  Spam, my personal Star Wars Anti-Missle Defense System, creates a protective shield around me and my Mac G4 laptop.  The Spidey sense starts tingling when an unusually large number of seemingly inocuous e-mails enter my domain.  The virus generated spam never fails to alert me to a full scale attack by marauding electronic transmissions.  Sure enough, later in the day the IT folk are bombarding me with strongly worded e-mails warning of impending glom and doom if any suspicious piece of electronic mail is opened.  Chuckling, I simply delete their exhortations, having been “notified” of the on-going assault earlier in the day by my Spam Alert System.

 

Spam, so misunderstood, hungers for a loudmouthed, sharp-tongued, pit bull of a press agent to spread “the word” throughout cyberspace on its positive contributions to society.  One glimmer of respectability comes in Spring 2005 when the Monty Python musical, “Spamalot,” starring David Hyde Pierce, Tim Curry, and Hank Azaria, opens on Broadway.  Can “Spam—The Movie” be far behind?