Colleagues -
I'm interested in knowing if any of you have experienced what for us is a new "phenomenon" and if you have any advice.
We are a small college with less than 300 students living on campus. We are also a conservative, Christian college in a rural setting. In this past year we have had 4 women abruptly leave the College with a boyfriend that they had just recently met. In all cases the women did not speak with any college personnel in advance of leaving, nor did they tell their families. In 2 of the cases, the women left with a man they had 'met' on the Internet.
We are concerned about the pattern we see developing here and would appreciate any input or advice you may have. We will be doing some educational workshops about the topic, but frankly I'm concerned that we may not reach all the women we need to. Thank you in advance for your response!
- Karen Van Norman
Vice President for Student Development
Mount Olive College
One of the developing results of being on the Internet has been the development of personal relationships between people who have not met face to face. In fact, there is a great deal of discussion occurring that the Internet is reshaping our definitions of relationships and intimacy.
There is clearly advice on the Internet about the process of meeting someone who you have met on line for the first time. I would encourage all student affairs professionals to spend some time in on line chat rooms and observe the content of the conversations - it may give you some insights about how to develop effective educational materials.
Part of the reality of on line relationships is the ability to express who you are and no one else can physically see me. For men and women who struggle with self esteem and body image issues this is a relief - a comfortable place - unlike a social gathering where one feels out of place.
As a final thought, community in the 21st century and thus connection to one another is less about physical location and much more about share values. Students may find people on line who share similar values to their own than they do with their neighbors on the campus. Just because we live next to each other or sit in the same classes doesn't mean that we share a connection with one another. I may find that connection through someone I have met on line.
Hope this helps.
- Tim Moore
- Director of the Hughes-Trigg Student Center
- Southern Methodist University
Hello,
I have just a few comments about Tim Moore's comments on this issue. Sorry Tim, I understand what you are trying to convey, but the student development purist in me can't let this go \
"Part of the reality of on line relationships is the ability to express who you are and no one else can physically see me. For men and women who struggle with self esteem and body image issues this is a relief - a comfortable place - unlike a social gathering where one feels out of place."
Being hidden behind the wire for the sake of pure intellectually social gathering has its merits, but hiding because of comfort level is, I believe, developmentally stunting yourself. Granted, we all passively or actively do it every day on this list serve, but most of us lead balanced lives where, even as introverts, we challenge ourselves to be physically social. In some ways, it is a chance to expose ourselves intellectually, and some people can be very exhibitionist about it. However, we grow comfortable with our physical identity through social interaction by physically meeting and conversing with others, and if we closet ourselves with our computers, we risk leaving that part of our selves underdeveloped.
"As a final thought, community in the 21st century and thus connection to one another is less about physical location and much more about share values. Students may find people on line who share similar values to their own than they do with their neighbors on the campus. Just because we live next to each other or sit in the same classes doesn't mean that we share a connection with one another. I may find that connection through someone I have met on line."
Physical interaction plays a large role in developing community, just from a biological standpoint. Sharing value systems and beliefs have benefits both on-line and physically. When students sit in the same classes together, they DO share a connection, whether they are aware of it or not. They share the experience: smells, sights, sounds. That shared sense of awareness can be so important in building community, friendships, and learning. Can this be done on-line? Yes, but only to a point. As a facilitator of student development, my concern lies with educating the whole student. Holistic education is limited by distance education, just because of the physical limitations.
This does not mean I am against distance education. In some ways, it is the only affordable, viable option for some population groups (especially in Montana), but it is by no means a replacement for a whole-world, well rounded, liberal arts educational experience. Physically experiencing other cultures, nature, museums, cities, and much more give us a whole, five-sense experience that (currently) cannot be duplicated by a computer.
- Luke W. Fortune, M.Ed.
- RHD - Borromeo/Coord. Student Programs
- Carroll College
I'm making an assumption here, but I'll risk it: I have an idea, Luke, that you are a person whose appearance is somewhere at least within shouting distance of the socially-acceptable mainstream ideal. If you had lived inside the skin of someone who'd experienced a great deal more everyday rejection and derision--who'd been told for most of their life that they're unacceptable and unlovable, plain and simple--because of their looks, you might find it easier to understand the value of interacting in a non-visual medium. Getting out there and physically meeting and conversing with others just isn't as easy as it sounds for some folks--at least, not without some confidence-bolstering baby steps along the way. We *all* make quick judgements based on first impressions, and it can be tremendously reassuring and empowering to know that those judgements are going to be based one one's wit, intelligence, and command of language for a change, and rather than on one's clothes or height or skin condition or waist size. People who've been thoroughly and repeatedly hurt in face-to-face interactions need time to heal and safe space to do it in. Internet relationships may give them just the opportunity they need to stretch themselves, develop weak or missing skills, and gain the confidence they need to risk more multi-dimensional contacts again. If that's "hiding behind the wire," then let them hide there. It's better than hiding behind an impenetrable wall, not connecting with anyone, indefinitely.
We work with our students where we find them; we seek to understand their individual interests and needs and struggles, and to tailor our services and interventions to help with them. I'm not willing to neglect the needs of those who are less ready or willing to go out and socialize freely and confidently face-to-face. These folks deserve to have their needs and feelings validated and their particular developmental process respected. If they're getting benefit from their online relationships, I'm not going to tell them that this, in and of itself, is a problem.
Excellent points, Mary! Let me point out that I don't think that internet relationships are a bad thing, I just find them very limiting in the sense that they only provide a partial-world experience.
You stated:
To that end, we all are judged by others, and part of social interaction (physical or virtual) is learning to deal with and stand up against those judgements. This is an ideal, I know, but I believe the opportunity to build skills and self-esteem and self-worth can be better learned in a "real" environment. I agree that those too hurt or too unwilling to swim the moat of savage judgement can learn to tread the basics of interaction with on-line relationships, but if they stay in their comfortable space they will not grow. The world is not as hurtful as some may believe, but neither is it paradise. If some one has "been thoroughly and repeatedly hurt in face-to-face interactions," the problem does not lie within the development of that individual, but in the society itself, and that probably ought be the focus of our efforts.
Yes, we all judge, and are judged by others. But it is up to us, the members of a local and global society, to learn to accept and celebrate the differences in people, and to learn that every individual has an unique contribution to the community as a whole.
Distance education is a wondrous opportunity for those who have gone without any opportunity whatsoever. I only hope that it is seen as a stepping-stone, not a replacement for growth and adventure in life. I am all for validating the needs and feelings of people and respecting their particular developmental processes. However, as a practitioner of student development, I feel I would be remiss in my chosen service if I did not challenge such individuals to grow beyond their comfort level.
- Luke W. Fortune, M.Ed.
At 2:37 PM -0700 2/18/00, Fortune, Luke wrote:
I don't quite agree. I find them different, each with its own set of limits *and* its own set of qualities that give it advantages over the other. Speaking for myself, I feel that my life would be far poorer without either sort.
For some people, reaching out and engaging with others across the Internet is far from comfortable space--it's an almost-unimaginable stretch and a risk. I've seen folks who are so damaged that they quite literally don't feel worthy of respect or friendship or love--who are afraid they don't have the right to post a message to a newsgroup or a listserv and take up people's time with their thoughts and questions and problems. I've seen some of these folks take shaky slow steps toward opening up, finding their voice as they go, receiving support and encouragement for the first time from people who understand a little about their struggles, until they blossom with greater confidence and newfound self-esteem. I have no doubt that this change is mirrored in their face-to-face interactions and relationships (and often, I've heard them say so).
Growth? I haven't often seen growth in the so-called "real world" that exceeds what I've seen in some online communities. Some of the bravest people I've known have faced some of the greatest challenges and come through them stronger, ready for greater ones...largely through their interactions with others online. I feel fortunate to have been there, and maybe sometimes played a part. I don't like hearing these efforts discounted or the successes dismissed.
Some of these folks may find that, over time, their face-to-face relationships become more comfortable and take on greater importance in their lives, and the online ones slip more into the background. But you know what? If they don't, I'm not willing to say that these individuals are wrong, or giving up too easily, or failing to grow. They've found a kind of meaningful human contact that works for them; it's better than where they were, and it has the potential for continuing to help them change and develop and benefit. I can accept that this is what works for some folks, it harms no one, and I can't assume that it must be inferior or less highly-evolved than my way of being.
Well, umm, yes. I think that most of us spend a lot of time and energy toward that end, both during work hours and on our own time. I know I do. But until we bring about this New Age, where does that leave the folks who are struggling in the old one?
...and to learn that each individual has his or her own struggles, and a unique developmental journey to make, and that we need to accept and celebrate and support those as best we can, even when we don't entirely understand them.
I think that distance education is a different issue altogether.
I'm just saying that we have to fully understand, or at least try to respectfully appreciate, what an individual's comfort level is before we decide what is or isn't an appropriate level of challenge to it.
Mary McGhee
I think it is important to realize that, as Mary shared, the esteem issues of students, in this case, as the same whether they are communicating face-to-face or through a computer. That for me is the important element in all of this.
I have been following the discussion about internet relationships and self esteem. And although they have been quite interesting I think Karen's initial questions regarding her students have been neglected.
"In this past year we have had 4 women abruptly leave the College with a boyfriend that they had just recently met . . . In 2 of the cases, the women left with a man they had 'met' on the Internet."
This seems to imply that the concern is not just about internet relationships but about students leaving abruptly with men they have only recently become involved with.
There are several areas that are not clear, however. First, how many students leave the college each year and for what reasons, that makes these students of specific concern? Keep in mind that students can and do leave college every year for a number of reasons. And they don't necessarily need to tell anyone, that's a harsh reality. Reducing attrition is always an admirable goal, but we must accept that part of going to college is to experience something different and some people will realize that this is not what they want.
It is also not clear what the institution is looking to accomplish and therefore begs the question of values. Is this an issue of institutional values? Does the college feel compelled to work with students to reduce attrition and maintain successful graduates who have the conservative christian values espoused by that institution? In which case the, workshops might include ways to assist students in integrating their christian values into everyday life, including relationships. A program might also be established that guides students toward personnel who can discuss with the student any ideas of leaving the institution before a final decision is made.
Is this a concern over students' personal values? Many students' values shift as they progress through college. It is not surprising that some of them would end up leaving the institution in various ways. Are these students using relationships as an "out?" Do the men they meet have similar christian values or are they contrary to them? In which case, workshops may want to deal with how students can assess their own and others values. Talking about changing values may be difficult given the nature of the institution but I am certain that there are ways to integrate these discussions within a Christian framework.
Is this a concern about the potential hazards of making quick relationship decisions? We have all experienced the anxiety that comes from a student's decision to give up on education because of a relationship. We fear that the relationship will end once the infatuation wears off and the student will be left floundering for new goals and direction that did not need to be given up on in the first place. Not to mention the simple hazards inherent in running off with someone you barely know. In which case, workshops on self esteem, dependency, relationship issues, trust and goal setting may be appropriate.
The point is to help students struggle with various issues within the safety of the institution. My guess is that some or all (and probably more) of these issues come into play. I would first suggest determining the goals and outcomes that your institution is looking for - this will help in determining the types of assistance to provide. It may then be necessary to educate faculty and staff. We often forget that they are the people who we need to carry out our goals and shape students and for these reasons we need to make sure they(we) have the necessary skills to do that.
You may also want to look into building a Freshman Year experience program if you don't have one already. I would imagine that there are students who come into the institution not sure of their values or may even have felt obligated to attend this type of institution because of parents. It might prove helpful to work with student [and parents] at the outset to get a sense of what issues are at work in their decisions to be there and how best to make sense of their experience.
Sorry for my vagueness but, I hope that some of this helps.
- Joseph Oppedisano
- Student Affairs Coordinator
- NYU School of Medicine
Joseph -
Thank you for your response to my question posted to the listserv. I did not make our concerns and goals clear enough in my original message, but you did identify them - concern with students making major/life-changing decisions for a new relationship and the possible dangers of leaving with someone the student barely knows. We are building our programming and development plans around the issues you mentioned (self-esteem, relationships, referrals) as well as personal safety.
You are also correct that students leave school all the time and sometimes choose not to discuss their decision. The 'trend' that has concerned us here is the # (high for our experience) that have done so for a new relationship and the new aspect of Internet relationships. As others have mentioned, there are many inherent positive aspects of the Internet and meeting people online. At the same time I believe it is also important for us to help our students learn basic and 'common sense' steps they can take to avoid potentially dangerous situations. I also believe it is another aspect of their development to learn about themselves and their relationships - both current and potential. Hopefully our programming will help to achieve this.
I remain appreciative of any other advice that may be out there, and I come back to part of what I meant my original question to be - are any of you experiencing an increase in this type of student withdrawal as we seem to be? I'm curious if you have found it to be a 'passing' phenomenon or an actual developing trend. Thank you to everyone for your comments and advice - I learn a great deal from the exchange.
Karen Van Norman