Brian Cremins
bwcremins@yahoo.com

Posted: August 2006     Student Affairs Online, vol. 7 no. 2 - Summer 2006

Dear Brian,

I don't know if you remember me, but I am your cat, Rosie. We first met two years ago when you were working in Louisiana. You were living in your rented house, and I was living underneath your front steps and keeping myself alive by eating small green lizards and other bayou delicacies. You were on your way to the bookstore when I popped my head out from under the steps and said hello. I know I wasn't looking too good, and your other cat, Ben, looked mortified at the thought of sharing his house with a calico orphan, but you took me in anyway. We've had some great times together, especially the staring contests, but lately I've been feeling a little neglected. We don't chase each other around the house like we used to. Why is that? I have my theories. I lay most of the blame on the doorstep of www.youtube.com.

Now, you may be asking yourself how I know about this online treasure-trove of obscure new wave videos, TV sitcom clips, and homemade webcam oddities. You know, I don't have thumbs or anything like that, so it's hard for me to use a computer. But when you're out teaching or playing with your band, Ben and I have a lot of time to kill. We get into things, like the catnip and the food. I decided to do a trace on your online activities, and I discovered that you spent most of your day off yesterday watching clips of the Moody Blues online! I mean, I love early Bee Gees, but why The Moodies? You didn't stop there. Your drummer sent you links to videos by metal bands like Mercyful Fate, Slayer, and some group called Carcass-all in celebration of June 6, 2006-and you watched those, too. My eyes buckled a little when I got to the Carcass stuff. I know I'm a cat, and I know I make weird noises sometimes, but I've never heard anyone sing like that guy from Mercyful Fate. Ben left the room when the guy went into falsetto. How I am going to hear you coming home with a new bag of tuna treats if I can't hear anything from listening to all those Metal Godz? I'm partial to a little Black Sabbath now and then, however.

I kept searching You Tube and I found a lot of other videos by really pale-looking people wearing eyeliner: Gary Numan, Echo and the Bunnymen, The Icicle Works. I know you like The Replacements a lot, but do you need to see every foot of film ever shot of them drunkenly flailing around onstage? I'm also guessing it was your idea of a joke to look up Ted Nugent's "Cat Scratch Fever." Real funny. I'm a Louisiana cat and want nothing to do with the Motor City Madman.

What I keep wondering is where all of these videos come from. Have people really been saving VHS copies of ancient board game commercials all these years? "You sunk my battleship"? You've got to be kidding me! Do you really need that copy of Space: 1999 just to see Martin Landau running around in his beige leisure suit while the moon breaks orbit with the earth? I should admit something here: I think those old Purina Chuckwagon commercials with the scruffy dog chasing the little cowboy are kind of funny. Ah, canines. They just never learn. You ever notice that cats didn't move much at all in TV commercials until recently? And how did Madison Avenue manage that? They had to come up with digital animation to create the illusion of cats moving and singing for supper! I don't think so.

I am hoping you'll get over this You Tube addiction soon. It seems that all your friends have it, too. What are they doing at work? Watching music videos! What are they doing when they get home? Watching music videos! I can already imagine your response to all this-well, you're a cat, you spend most of your day sleeping in the sun, or staring out the window, or cleaning your feet. And you're right, I do spend a lot of time in the front window watching people and dogs and babies walk by, but that's because I'm an in-door cat now and you won't let me leave the house! The front window is like my own live-action version of You Tube, only I've yet to see any Cheap Trick videos. A couple of days ago I could have sworn I saw their lead singer walking by, though. You never know. We live in Chicago, after all.

Look, I'm not trying to nag you. You have to live your life, and I want you to be happy. I just notice you getting really pale and skinny, and I'm afraid that if you do nothing but watch You Tube all day, you'll never leave the house again, and you know what that means. Ben and I will be forced to hunt for food. I know I'm ready, since I lived for three months on my own, but Ben? Mr. "I-used-to-live-in-a-penthouse-in-New-York-until-I-got-adopted-because-I-was-harassing-the-other-cat-who-lived-with-me"? Do you really think he's capable of taking down a couple of mice or one of those city rabbits who lives in the backyard? I don't think so. He doesn't have it in him, and, anyway, he's a tabby, and you know how tabbies are.

I want you to know that you're still my best friend, and I really like living here, and I think you're great and all that, and I even like hearing you play guitar, etc., etc., but I really want you to try and break yourself of this habit. Do you really need to see that lost episode of "The Honeymooners" some guy in North Dakota uploaded last week? No, not really. And if you get any ideas of making a movie about me dragging my green plastic lizard around the house because you think it looks "cool" and real "primal," forget about it. I don't need to be an Internet, You Tube, feline movie-star. All I ask for is a little catnip, a little sunlight, and a little love. That's all you need, too.

Typing all that really tired me out. I didn't know I had it in me. I think I'm smarter than you think I am. I'll be expecting a little tuna tonight, pal-you know, people food, my friend!

That's all. Talk to you soon,

Your Loving Cat,

Rosie